The Beginning of a New Chapter

On January 7th, 2012 at 11:00 am, Kit and I got married in the same church that my parents and grandparents were married in. :-) We have been married for almost 5 weeks now and it has already been a learning and growing experience. I hope to blog more about the different issues I face as a new wife soon, though I feel that I could use advice more than giving advice in this area... so if anyone has any ideas or tips for me... they would be greatly appreciated. :-)

Anyway, here are a few pictures from the best day of my life. :-)

Getting ready for the big moment :-)


Dad walked me down the isle, Pastor Walker did the sermon and Dad did the vows... then Pastor Walker pronounced us husband and wife and...

Crushes on Unavailable Men

"I know this sounds REALLY bad but what if the guy you have a crush on is married and was someone you once dated. What if you ask God to take the feelings away and they still don't go away???? Please help!!!

Worried,
Anonymous"

Dear Anonymous,
I know that it's easy to get freaked out when you have strong feelings and they just won't 'go away'. Believe it or not, at one point in time most young ladies will have a crush on someone who is unavailable. Whether he's courting, engaged, or married to someone else, it is hard to deal with feelings for someone that you know you shouldn't be having feelings for. Dating aggravates this problem as it encourages you to form attachments to people that, odds are, you won't spend the rest of your life with.
But the principles are the same no matter the situation or the circumstances.
Now, here are a few ideas for you, ok?

1. Whenever you get a thought about him, or warm fuzzies about him, or anything, pray. And don't just pray about him, because that will just continue to train your brain to think about him. Try something like this. "Lord, I know that So-and-so is married, but I still have a crush on him. Please take away those feelings and help me to reserve my heart for my future husband. I pray that You would prepare me to be a good wife someday, and help me to practice guarding my heart now in preparation for the day that I am married myself. I also pray for my grandma, please heal her arthritis because it is so hard on her not to be able to walk around. Please give me wisdom of how I can bless her and make things easier on her. Thank you, in Jesus' name I pray. Amen."

2. "Take every thought captive and make it obedient unto Christ." Don't allow yourself to daydream or anything. Here is one way that you can 'take every thought captive'. Picture your mind as an airport, and the thoughs as airplanes that are trying to land. When one comes zooming up that you don't want in your mind, send it off. For the first week (or probably month) you will probably have to do this over 100 times a day, but it does get easier and less frequent when you practice.

Well my dear, I hope that is helpful to you. Keep reading your Bible and training your mind to think of things the way Jesus would want you to. And don't worry about your crush too much, as long as you continue to pray about it, I'm sure that God will help you with it so gradually that you won't even notice it's gone. :-)

*hugs*
Joy

PTGW Part Eight A: Taking Care of Your Body

Don't give up on this post after just reading the title! I know that most of the time it is very discouraging to read anything about taking care of your body, whether it be losing weight or skin care or makeup or whatever. But I'm not going to present some impossible idea of how to change your appearance. Rather I'd like to give you a few realistic ideas of how to take care of your body.

Taking care of your body and your appearance is very important; it is part of being a good witness for Jesus Christ. That doesn't mean that you should spend three hours a day on your appearance, but it does mean that you should remember that even though God looks at your heart, people will see your appearance first. (But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the LORD does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7 - yes, I know it's out of context, but it's still true)
God can work through everyone no matter how they look or smell or whatever, but if my dad gave me a beautiful dress to wear and I wore it every day and didn't wash it and it got all grey and dirty and I told everyone that my Dad had given it to me, well... that wouldn't make them think very well of my Dad, would it? "Oh my goodness! I'm sure glad I'm not his daughter! Look at what she wears... she doesn't even look clean!"
We should be so proud of being God's daughters that we want to give Him a 'good name' by looking like what we are... taken care of and loved very very much.

Also, when you get married your husband is going to want to be proud of your appearance. So start on good habits now so that when you get married you'll have a head start.

Now here are a few things that I'm NOT saying.

1. I'm NOT saying that you should lose weight

2. I'm NOT saying that you have to wear makeup

3. I'm NOT saying that you should obsess about how you look and constantly be running to the mirror

4. I'm NOT saying that you need to be self conscious if your clothes aren't brand-new

Ok? Now that we've gotten that straightened out... here are a few ideas of how to take care of your body.

1. Stay clean. This means taking a shower when you need it. Some people can get away with one a week and some people need one a day. A good way to tell if you need one is if you don't smell fresh or your hair feels stiff and greasy. Simply staying clean is an excellent place to start on having a good appearance.

2. Get dressed in the morning. Don't go to the grocery store in your pjs and slippers. Aside from modesty issues, is life as a Christian really so depressing that you can't bear to get ready for the day???

3. Do your hair. I know, it's basic, but it's important to have your hair look neat and tidy. Now I can't brush my hair when it's dry because it's so curly that it would just frizz and I'd end up looking something like Ronald MacDonald. ;-) But on days that I don't get my hair wet, I still smooth it and put it up in a bun.

4. Drink water. Drinking water can help you to have nice skin, give you energy, and help you not to smell bad when you 'perspire'.

5. Go for a walk or a bikeride OUTSIDE every day if you can. It doesn't have to be long, I like walking a quarter mile most days. This will get your blood flowing nicely, give you a chance to be peaceful (no listening to music), and help you be more energetic.

6. Make sure that your clothes are always clean, patched, and wrinkle-free. It doesn't matter if your clothes aren't new, you can look just as nice in 2nd (or 3rd or 4th) hand clothes as in brand-new clothes as long as they are pressed and clean.

7. Take care of your teeth. Now I'm not saying that you need to get braces, teeth whiteners, etc. But if you take care of your teeth (brushing and flossing every day) your teeth will look nice and you won't have to worry as much about bad breath.

8. Practice good posture. Stand up straight! You are proud of your Father, now walk like it!

9. Wear a Smile! That is a very important thing that you can do for your appearance. If you have a smile it won't matter if your teeth are crooked, your clothes old, or your hair is frizzy! Smiling is a very easy and simple way to look pretty and bless people.

10. Dress like a Lady. (I assume that no men are reading this, but if they are they should dress like Gentlemen, not Ladies.) ;-) Don't look as if you are ashamed of your gender. It is so refreshing to see a woman who isn't hiding under baggy pants and t-shirts and yet is not flaunting her body in mini-skirts and tight shirts.

11. Do the things that God tells us to in His Word. This is THE MOST important thing of all. If you live a clean life through Jesus, than others will have a 'good feeling' about you. I don't know why, but that seems to be the way it works. :-)

Now if you want to you can do other things like put on a little bit of makeup etc. But the most important thing is to be clean and neat, and to smile.
I don't know about you, but when I see someone who doesn't really take care of themselves I think "Oh dear, they must be quite unhappy with their life."
As Christians, we have been blessed with a Father who cares for us no matter what happens. Let's show the world how much we appreciate Him by taking care of His temple (our bodies).

"Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s." 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Next time I'll be talking about taking care of your soul (which is infinitely more important than your body). As usual, I love getting comments (as long as they're polite). I have no idea if anyone reads my posts unless they comment.

One Lovely Blog Award

Thank you so much to Mrs. Dixon (who has a lovely blog herself) at http://trainingdaughtersteachingwives.com for the One Lovely Blog Award!

I just love this graphic... the teacup is so pretty!

Here are the rules:
1) Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link.
2) Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

Ok, well, I don't know if I can come up with 15 newly discovered blogs, so I'll just pick a few.*

Amanda at amandabethonline.blogspot.com - I love her fun fashion reviews and suggestions

Miss Amy and Miss Olivia Joy at http://teatimewithamy.blogspot.com/ - Even though they only update once in a while, their blog is a pleasure to read and to look at and they have some really neat ideas and recipes for Tea

HannahBeth at www.homeschoolblogger.com/maideninwaiting - I enjoyed seeing her entries for AmandaBeth's fashion week, and I just love seeing all the pictures she puts up of her family.

Well, I'm going to stick with three, even though I have found so many wonderful blogs over the past couple of years. Why don't you go and check out their blogs and maybe leave them a comment? I'm sure they'd love to hear from you!
My sister and I are struggling with sickness so I shall go inform the authors of the lovely blogs that they have been awarded, and then go rest for a while.


*Just because their name appears in this post does not mean that I necessarily agree with everything on their blog. It does mean that I think their blog is lovely and I enjoy reading it.

Questions About Crushes, Attention, and Other Stuff!

Today I have decided to take some time and answer some questions that I have been getting. I apologize for taking so long to respond... you can read about our trip to CA on my www.homeschoolblogger.com/Liveforeternity blog.

Alrighty, here is the first comment that I'm going to reply to (I've edited it somewhat so that it only contains what I'm going to respond to). The comments will be in red, and my replies in blue.

"I've always told myself I wouldn't date until I was at least 17, my parents had no influence on it whatsoever, that's just the peg I put in place for myself. I don't necessarily think I will marry the first person I date (although my sister is happily married to her boyfriend from her senior year in high school) so it's not like once I'm 17 I think I'm going to be seriously dating...
but leading up to, I have a very good friend that we have talked about dating when I'm ready, not in a "I'm so in love with you!" way, but we both have feelings and have been friends for a while. We hang out occasionally, but if we're the only ones, it's somewhere public or at my house where my parents are there to supervise.
Is this not of God because I'm not of a 'marrying age'? I've been trying not to think about him as much, because I know it can be a distraction from God, but if I have the intent of doing what God wants me to do, and doesn't get physical or anything... is it wrong to have a crush on this boy?
Oh, and I forgot to add, I will be 17 in about half a year."

Hello! You have asked some very good questions! I am going to do my best to answer them, but first of all, here are some questions that I want you to pray and study about.

1. What do you think is the purpose of dating? Is it to find a spouse or is it more 'recreational' (since you don't expect to marry the first person you date)?

2. Is this friend a godly young man according to scripture?

3. What is the 'marrying age' according to you?

4. Is the expectation of someday dating him clouding your judgement of his character? What do your parents (more importantly your father) think of this young man?

Ok, that was your homework (and I'm going to give you some more in a minute). ;-) Now I'm going to try to answer your questions.

So, you have a very good friend that is a young man, and you have talked about dating when you are ready. Your question is "is this not of God because I'm not of a 'marrying age'?" Well, obviously I can not tell you what God's plan is for your life, but let's think about it for a moment ok? You are 16, and you are not planning on beginning to look for a life partner until you are at least 17. I don't think that it is wrong for you to have a crush on this young man, in fact I think it is perfectly normal and I would be surprised if you did not have a crush on a young man who is willing to pay attention to you. In this situation, I would say that you should stop trying NOT to think about him. Instead, I want you to go through Scripture (or even just Proverbs) and come up with a list of, say, 20 characteristics of a godly man (doing a word study on 'righteous' is a good place to start in Proverbs). Then, when you have the list, I want you to think objectively about this young man and evaluate him according to your list.

This is a good way to deal with any crush you might have. If he is a godly young man according to Scripture, than you may want to consider dating/courting when you are old enough. If not, than you can save yourself a big heart ache by recognizing the fact now instead of later.

I hope that helped, if you have any more questions, or if you want me to clarify something let me know. :-)

Ok, the next question is one that a lot of us have struggled with in the past (or still do struggle with).

"Dear Joy,

How can I stop thinking about making myself sexually attractive for boys? I HATE these thoughts!
and about doing stuff to get his attention?"

Dear friend,
I believe that at some point every young lady struggles with this, so know that you are not alone. The way you are feeling is normal, and can be used to God's glory someday when you are married.
However, I know that living with these thoughts and desires can be really miserable and unhealthy. Before I give you some ideas of what you can do, I want to explain something to you.
When someone learns something new, let's say how to play an instrument, their brain actually develops new 'pathways'. The more they concentrate on playing or thinking about this specific instrument, the more defined and easy to travel these 'pathways' become. If they were to stop playing the instrument and move on to something different, the pathway would become smaller and harder for your mind to find. That is why when I take a break from playing the piano, I cannot sit down after a year and play just as well as I used to be able to.
Right now, your brain has a very wide and easy to travel pathway about being sexually attractive and getting attention, so that your mind will automatically go down that road when you are not specifically thinking of something else.
This means that you have trained your mind (not purposely, but it is trained nevertheless) to think along these lines, and to always be open to an opportunity to be more attractive or get attention.
What you need to do now is to re-train your mind. Your goal should be to make a different pathway the one that your mind goes down automatically, and make the 'attractive/attention' pathway smaller and harder to access.
Ok, now that I have explained that, I am going to give you a couple of ideas on how to do that.

1. Cut out things that make you feel especially 'sexy'. Start noticing what makes you feel this way. You might be surprised by what you notice. It could be anything from movies and music to clothes, makeup, and hair-styles. When you notice something, just take a break from it for a while.

2. Start reading your Bible more often, and training your mind to see things through your 'Bible pathways' instead of through your 'sexy pathways'. I like to read at least one chapter in the morning before I start my day, and at night right before bed. That way it helps me carry it through my day.

3. Listen to some Bible songs (Hide 'Em In Your Heart songs are a really good choice). Then, instead of finding yourself humming a song that is really not helpful to your mental purity, you will find yourself singing "I have hidden Your word in my heart, that I might not sin against You."

4. When you find yourself thinking of how to get someone's attention, or how to be more attractive to him, pray. Picture your mind as an airport, and the thoughts as airplanes trying to land. When one comes that you don't want in your mind, send it off. For the first week (or probably month) you will probably have to do this over 100 times a day, but it does get easier and less frequent when you practice.

5. Don't be too freaked out about it. When you start getting frantic and saying "I'm not going to think about this! I'm NOT going to think about this!", guess what your mind will start thinking about?!

6. Sometimes talking to someone, like your mom or another woman that you can trust to give you godly advice, can really help even though it will be embarrassing and hard at first.

And last of all, don't punish yourself when you do mess up or something. Jesus died to set you free. He has already taken the punishment for sin, and He has broken the bondage to sin that you were in.
I hope this helped you, if you need me to clarify anything or if you have any more questions please don't hesitate to ask! :-)

Ok, I think that's about all for now. As always, if you have any thoughts that you'd like to share, just leave a comment! :-) (And don't forget to vote on the new poll!)

PTGW Part Five: Learn to be a Friend

To Mr. D Hamlin: Thank you for your comment. My father would be very happy to help if he can. Please e-mail him at nhpatterson (at) charter (dot) net.
Thanks! :-)

Everyone wants to have at least one friend that truly understands and loves them, don't they? But, for the most part, friends don't last forever. You may always like each other, but eventually you will get to a point when you actually have to 'catch up' with each other. That is why, in addition to having friends, you should invest in the friendships that you have in your family. And why you should marry someone who is a friend and knows how to be a friend. (And of course, you will want to be a friend to who ever you marry, hence the reason for this post.)
Simply interacting with people does not make you a friend. I have many acquaintances, but only a few friends.

Proverbs 18:24 says this, "A man who has friends must himself be friendly, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

Obviously, Jesus is the ultimate example of a Friend. Let's look at some scripture verses about friends and relationships.
If we can put even one of these verses into practice we will be able to be a Godly friend.

1. Of course, one of my favorite verses is Matthew 22:36-40 “ 'Teacher, which is the great commandment in the law?' ” Jesus said to him, “ ‘You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.” Have you ever noticed how we can be so polite and kind to strangers, but so rude and nasty to our family and loved ones? If we just put this one thing, "love your neighbor as yourself", into practice we will be able to be a good friend.
Something that I would like to point out is that the first commandment Jesus mentions is "love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind". If our life is not centered on pleasing God, and if our friendships are not based on Jesus Christ, than we are going to fail in our attempts to be a friend.

2. John 15:12-14 says, "This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. You are My friends if you do whatever I command you."
Jesus has commanded us to love one another as He loved us. While I may be willing to die for my friends, am I willing to lay down my selfish desires? Am I willing to give up my way? Will I stop in the middle of a project to change a diaper or feed my family?

3. In Psalm 15, David asks the question "LORD, who may abide in Your tabernacle? Who may dwell in Your holy hill?" Do you know what one of the answers was? "He who does not backbite with his tongue, Nor does evil to his neighbor, Nor does he take up a reproach against his friend."
Backbiting, or gossiping, is a sin. Did you know that? "Nor does he take up a reproach against his friend." In other words, don't take offense. We need to remember to be "swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God" (James 1:19a-20). Because friends, family members, and strangers, are all going to hurt us sometimes. If we take a moment and calm ourselves before we say anything, it will make a huge difference in our relationships.

4. Philippians 2:14-15 says this, "Do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world".
If we can stop ourselves from saying all of the bad things that we can think of, or even stop that little sigh when Mom asks us to wash some dishes, it will help us to be "blameless and harmless, children of God".

5. 1 Thessalonians 5:11a tells us, "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up". No one wants to be friends with someone who is always being discouraging or complaining, but simply not complaining isn't enough. We need to ENCOURAGE one another!

6. Pray for your friends. If you see something in their life that is not honoring to God, pray about it. When you get married someday, your husband will not want you to be coming to him all the time with a righteous look on your face saying "Darling, I really don't think that it is honoring to God that you watch sports on Sunday night". No. Change yourself first. And pray that God would show your husband (or father, it's good practice for the day you do have a husband) if it truly is sinful to watch TV on the Lord's Day, because you might be mistaken.
Of course, if he was doing something that was really sinful, like murdering people, you would have to call the police and turn him in.

7. Do not expect your friends to fulfill your needs. Even when you are in a marriage relationship you will sometimes feel lonely. It is important that you not become dependent on a person for your spiritual and emotional needs. If you do, you will become disappointed and bitter.

8. Reading your Bible every day will help you to keep your whole life and all of your relationships pleasing to God (You don't have to get up at 5:00 AM to read your Bible, and it doesn't have to be for an hour, do what you can and you will find that even a little bit can bless you and the people around you).


Now, none of the things that I have mentioned can be done in your own strength. You need to pray that God would work them in you, and maybe ask your parents or prayer partner to pray for you as well. But that doesn't mean that you should not work at it, pray for God's help and then try but don't get discouraged when you fail, just try again.

I would suggest going over the verses I have mentioned and reading them in context, or looking up verses that apply to relationships yourself. (I love to read through the Bible from Genesis to Revelation... there is such a wealth of wisdom in every book about relationships.)And when you have read what the Bible says about relationships, I challenge you to do make a list of the qualities that a godly friend would have. Then set out to become that friend. (This can help you to put the principles into practice.)

Miss Amanda writes a column for Growing in Grace Magazine about Friends... make sure to check it out.

PTGW Part Three A: Brothers in Christ

How you treat your brothers in Christ is important, whether you are married or not. Right now I want to just focus on friendships with guys.
Being friends with guys can help you to see them less as a potential husband and more as a person. At least, for a while. Then suddenly the attention that you get as his friend starts making you think that maybe you just might be just a little bit more than a friend to him. You start to want a closer friendship and when it gets closer (as it almost always does), you can't seem to stop thinking about it. You think about him all the time, wondering if he notices you. Suddenly you have a full fledged crush on your hands (yes, I know all about it, I had this happen when I was twelve). (I wrote a post about crushes if you are interested in reading it.)
But it is possible to have a casually friendly friendship with a boy without getting a serious crush on him (and, yes, I know from experience that this is possible). However, it does take some self discipline. Here are a few rules that I came up with for myself, some of them are based on my own experience, and some on the experiences of my (female) friends.

1. Never let the friendship get beyond a casual acquaintance. No telling secrets, and no making him your best friend.

2. No letting him tell you secrets. If he begins to do that, the red light should go on and you should kindly stop him. (Sometimes you can say something like "Thank you for your confidence, but I have a very open relationship with my parents, so please do not tell me anything that you do not want them to know." or if it is in an e-mail, you can remind him that your little sister reads your e-mails and so if he does not want her to know something he shouldn't tell you.)

3. Do not ever sit next to him and look into his eyes... this just doesn't do either of you any favors.

4. If you are upset about something or are insecure about something, do not tell him. Go to your parents instead.

5. If you aren't sure if you should say something, imagine telling your boy cousins... (Of course, most of the time, if you aren't sure that you should say something it means that you definitely shouldn't.)

6. Do not ever 'day dream'. No thinking about what your children would look like if he were their father (green eyes, blue eyes, brown eyes), no imagining yourself in danger and then imagining him coming and rescuing you (this one is important, a lot of young ladies have perfectly innocent friendships that suddenly turn romantic when they pretend that they were rescued or whatever). If you find yourself day dreaming get up and start doing some math, really hard math (No sewing or knitting, it is too uninteresting). ;-)

7. Even if your family is the huggy type, no hugging every week. Quick 'side hugs' are ok if it's someone's birthday. (But now that I think of it, the only hugs I give out are to my relatives, young ladies that I am friends with, and people that I only see once a year.)

8. Never fish for compliments by asking how you look or saying that you think you are ugly (that should go without saying, but I think that it is important to be reminded of).
With all of these rules you might wonder if it is even worth while to try being friends with boys at all. It is definitely worth it, and if you kind of are friends with the whole family and not just one person it makes everything a lot easier.
By now you might be wondering why this is important for preparing to be a good wife. If you are going to be a good wife shouldn't you be friends with boys? I mean, after all, how are they going to know if they like you if you aren't (close) friends with them?
Of course it is good to be (casual) friends with boys (especially in a family setting), and in some cases guys do decide to marry someone in their circle of friends at church. But this is where trusting God comes in. If God wants you to marry someone, it will happen. YOU CAN NEVER MARRY THE WRONG PERSON!!! You might end up with the right person after having done things the wrong way, but never the wrong person. And guess what? It isn't up to you to get emotionally close to boys just to see if they are the right one; that is a dating mentality.
You need to protect your purity, not just physical, but emotional and mental as well. If you have to compromise your emotional purity to 'get the guy', he's not worth it. You want someone that will be thankful that you are committed to keeping yourself pure, not someone that just wants to get the short term enjoyment of emotional closeness.
Also, if you get in the habit of getting close to one boy, and then growing apart and getting close to another boy and then growing apart (even if you have been friends for several years), it is not going to change after you get married. Oh sure, you will be close to your husband for a while, but then you will go through a time of disillusionment and suddenly you will see someone that understands you and if you aren't careful you could end up having an emotional affair with someone.

Now, some ways that you can tell if your friendship is getting too close. (Obviously I am not a guy, so I don't know exactly what these things would mean to a guy, but I do know that in a friendship they are a bad sign.)

1. If he starts telling you secrets (I know I already said this, but it bears saying again), you are getting too close.

2. If he wants to give you a hug every time you say goodbye, your friendship is too close.


3. If he starts e-mailing you every day or wanting to talk to you on the phone (phone is a big no-no... It's too easy to get close when you don't have to look at the person)


Ok, I'm sure that there are more but my mind is going blank. Now I'm going to give you a list of things that are fine in most cases.

1. Chatting (not online), or rather light hearted conversation is fine. Debating points is fine as long as it doesn't get personal.

2. E-mailing, now some families have different rules, but for me I decided that e-mails are alright as long as they're not every day and they're not too personal.

3. Being interested in what the other person is talking about (this is just common politeness as long as you're not hanging on every word).

4. Enjoying physical activities, such as freeze tag with the two families, can be fine. (But no playing "Sardines" or "Telephone Booth".) ;-)


Miss Jocelyn had a letter in her weekly section that said this.
"Dear Jocelyn,

I have a best friend who is a guy. He really likes to talk to me and is
very open with me, treats me really nice too. I’m glad that I can be a good
friend to him and encourage him in his walk with the Lord. The hard part is
knowing if the Lord will eventually make us more than “just friends.” I
know it’s all up to God and his timing but I wonder sometimes. Is this “the
one” or is there someone else? I know the best thing is just be a true friend to him but sometimes it’s hard!

He will be leaving soon to go to a cooking academy in South Africa and I’m
trying to act like that’s fine but inside I don’t want him to leave. What
do you think I should do? I know praying but anything else that might help?

Please keep me in your prayers"

Now, obviously, there is nothing wrong with this young lady. She is simply caught in the dilemma that faces every young lady that has a nice guy friend that treats her kindly and wants to talk to her. However, there are a few red flags that I saw in this letter and I'm going to show you a few of them...

1. "A best friend", you should never have a best friend that is a guy

2. "He really likes to talk to me and is very open with me". There is nothing wrong with talking, but being 'very open' doesn't sound good.

3. "I'm glad that I can be a good friend to him and encourage him in his walk with the Lord", yes it is good to encourage each other, but this should not be her job. This is for his parents and guy friends to do for him. This leads to too much closeness

4. "Is this 'the one' or is there someone else? I know the best thing is just be a true friend to him but sometimes it’s hard!" Don't try to be a true friend if you are wondering if he is one or is there someone else. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't be friends, but a 'true friend' implies too much closeness. Back of a little on the friendship if it is getting too close.

5. "He will be leaving soon to go to a cooking academy in South Africa and I’m trying to act like that’s fine but inside I don’t want him to leave." This is perfectly normal; everyone hates it when people go away. But be careful that you don't start obsessing about him going away and making it up in your head that if he does go away you will never get married to him. (Well, maybe you won't, but that might mean that it is part of God's plan to take away your dependence on this boy and move it to God.)

The thing that I think is the most difficult for us is to depend on God instead of on man (literally). As women we want to be rescued, we want to be close to a man, we want him to desire us, we want his attention. And if we are not careful, we can end up in the position of never being able to be content where we are because we are always longing for something that we don't have. But I want to tell you something very important. No man on earth can fill that hole in our hearts. Oh sure, we might think that it is gone for a while, but after a little while suddenly it'll pop up again and we'll have to face the fact that this man is not a savior.
But if we can learn to allow God to fill that ache in our hearts, than when He does give us a husband we won't be devastated and think that we've married the wrong man if he can't fill that gap sometimes.

Hmm, I think that's about all I have to say for now. This was quite a long post, I hope it was clear!

Now, I want you to pray about your friendships with guys, and ask God if they are honoring to him, and if they're not then just back off a notch or two and bring it down to a more casual level. Also, look around at your friends (not to judge them) and pray for them and their friendships.

And lastly, pray that God would help you to be dependent on him and not on anyone else.

I hope that this was helpful, I'm always interested in what thoughts you have, so leave comments! :-) (And don't forget to check the comment section; often others will bring up very helpful and important points that I have forgotten.)

That Annoying Feeling (Or 'Crushes')

Ah yes, you can see it now... that pre-teen girl who giggles and blushes whenever that cute little boy walks by... the ridiculous things she will do to get his attention... Is that ok or is it really wrong?
Some of us have been raised to think that to have a 'Crush on someone' is perfectly normal and right, and some of us have been raised to think that to have a 'Crush' is just about the worst thing in the world. But guess what? Neither of those views are completely correct.

First of all, I'd better say that I'm defining "Crush" as a feeling of attraction towards someone of the opposite sex. It can be a physical or emotional attraction, but it means that you are just attracted to someone and do not share any physical intimacy with them.

Now, God created us to have these feelings. It is a good thing when we find some one of the opposite sex attractive. So we can't say that it is sinful to 'like' a boy. But since humans are never perfect we need to know when we are abusing God's gift.

1. I believe that it is wrong to train children from infancy to think that if someone is kind to you, or if you are kind to someone else that makes you their girlfriend. (You know what I mean... Billy and Gracie are only 2, but when Gracie starts to cry and Billy gives her a hug the Moms say "Oh how cute! She's his little girlfriend!" That kind of stuff makes me sick.)

2. When you get to a certain age you will be attracted to boys. That is a good thing and there is nothing you can do about it.

3. Feelings are just feelings! When you feel attracted to someone, just say "Oh, huh, look at that. I'm attracted to them. So?" And don't get freaked out and worried.
It is silly to make this emotion more important than any other emotion. I feel angry sometimes. So? No big deal as long as I don't focus on it and become obsessive about it.

4. It is not the temptation that is wrong, it is what you do with the temptation. Ok, so you might be tempted to steal a cookie... if you shrug your shoulders and walk away it's not a problem. If you keep thinking about the cookie after you've walked away and keep going back and smelling the cookie, imagining eating the cookie, that's wrong.
So you might have a desire to have a physical relationship with someone. It's not a problem if you shrug your shoulders and walk away. But don't keep thinking about it and imagining what it would be like to have it.

5. Everyone has these feelings. So it's not something to be ashamed of. It might be something you want to talk to your Mom about, or maybe your sister, but on the other hand, it's not something you should talk about all the time.

6. You can think that someone is nice without having a crush on them.

Ok, so now, we have these feelings, and we know that God created us to feel like this, but it's easy to slip into focusing on this or that guy... WHAT CAN WE DO???

1. Don't think about it. If thoughts of him keep coming into your mind just say "Nope, I'm going to think about that" and then think of something else. (You may have to do that several hundred times a minute until you get used to it.)
Tell your mind that it's not high on your 'thought priority list'.

2. When you are in company with him, try to look at what his brothers and sisters seem to think of him because if they don't like him, chances are he's not a very nice person.
I personally am rarely or never attracted to someone's looks, but rather to their character. However, I do know that this is not the case for everyone (and there's nothing wrong with that).

3. Pray about it. (These obviously aren't in order of importance because this is the most important.) Pray that if it is not of God (and to be honest with ourselves, unless we're of marriageable age, most of the time it's not of God) that He would take the feeling away.
It may be a while (sometimes even months or years), but God will take away the feeling if it is not in His plan.

4. If you are of marriageable age, compare his character next to what the Bible says is a godly man. Sometimes this in and of itself can get rid of the attraction entirely. ;-)

5. Avoid things that foster the attraction and desire. Things like Romance novels, movies, and songs can all be VERY unhelpful.

6. Sometimes just talking to your Mom or sister makes it go away... secrets tend to be more binding than non-secrets. If you don't have a great relationship with your Mom try to improve it before you talk to her, but if you don't have a Mom or a sister, you may want to find an older sister type of girl to talk to. But preferably not someone who will either encourage your attraction or be horrified by it. ;-)

7. Don't put yourself in 'alone situations' with the object of your attraction. In fact, avoiding alone situations with any boy is probably a good idea.

8. Don't ever EVER talk about to the guy you like about the fact that you especially like him.

9. Keep it away from the physical level... no holding hands or kissing or hugging.

10. Be modest... this will help your thoughts to stay pure. Dress modestly, act modestly, and no long glances. A look can be as sensual as a touch, so 'watch your eyes'. :-)

And once again, Don't be freaked out by it! Most of the stuff I've mentioned will come naturally if you don't worry about it. :-)

Well, that's about all I have to say for now... Any thoughts?

Modest Swimwear

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As it gets warmer here in New England, our family does a lot of swimming in the lake right down the road from us.
During the past couple of years us girls have been trying out different types of modest bathing suits... don't get me wrong, we never wore bikinis, but it sure is nice to be a little more covered than your typical tank bathing suit.
I realize that some families do not allow boys and girls to swim at the same time, but whether you are swimming alone or with friends or family, there are some great swim suits out there that you actually can swim in.

Here is are a few bathing suit sites that we've found. I've also listed what suits are suitable to what body-types because we don't all look good and modest in the same suits. ;-)
(At the end there is a section for girls who don't want to be that covered but they still want to be more modest than the 'normal' suit.)

Swim modest bathing suits

This first one is my favorite... These suits are great for active swimmers because they really aren't any harder to swim in than normal suits, and they are all one piece so you don't have the problem of the skirt floating up. They're also really cute on. (They also don't need separate undergarments which is a big plus)
The site doesn't always have many fabric choices, but it's well worth checking back if you don't like the fabric they do have right now.
These suits are good for slender, average, or even slightly heavy girls... but if you have a heavier build you may want to consider a different suit.


Modest Swimwear

These bathing suits are harder to swim in, they do tend to slow you down a bit but won't make a difference if you are not a dedicated swimmer. (Another words, if you're not doing ten laps every day this bathing suit is fine.)
But they do need proper under garments... the capris tend to be see through, and the top clings A LOT when it is wet. Even if it is modest when it is dry, the top will be very immodest when wet if you don't wear something under it.
You want this bathing suit to be more tight than loose because it does tend to float up (And be more clinging) if it's loose.
A darker or more patterned fabric is best for these bathing suits. (You can also make them yourself... you can buy swim fabric online.)
These suits work best for average girls, and those who 'fill them out' more. Very slender girls have much more trouble with the suits wanting to float away.

Wholesome Swimwear

Ok, these suits are not the greatest for actually swimming... they're more for just hanging around in the water. I mean, you can swim in them, but they slow you down and somewhat restrict your movement.
These suits don't need undergarments, and are perfectly modest whether you are in or out of the water.
I notice that Moms particularly like these suits.
These suits are good for any shape, and can be a good choice for heavy girls who want to 'hide' more.

Fashionably Modest

This is a pattern, and I've never used it, but it looks as if it would be good for girls who enjoy wearing normal 'tank' bathing suits.

Ok, for those of you who want a more modest alternative to the normal bikini or tankini, but you also want to fit in, here are a few sites that seem to have good bathing suits.

Lime Riki

This site has several pretty and modest suits

And I was going to do several other sites, but I found this blog post that already has them listed so here you go.

The little Window shoppe

Ok, I hope that was helpful! Enjoy swimming! And let me know what bathing suits you like. :-)

When Dealing with Boys In Youth Group

Now, I bet that title got your attention, didn't it? This is just going to be a short post with a few tips in it.
The reason I decided to write this is because I have seen or been in groups of Christian teens (youth group types of groups), where the kids are way too familiar with each other. I call it "Christian" flirting. Another words, it's an 'underground' type of flirting (of course, sometimes it's more obvious) that they justify by saying "We're brothers and sisters... In Christ."
Now I'm not sure if they actually think that what they are doing is fine, or if they know that they're being flirtatious. But regardless of that, when you are in a group like that it is important that you don't just do the easy thing and follow the lead of the crowd.
Here are a few things that definitely give the wrong idea...

1. Sitting on a boy's lap is never EVER appropriate for ANY reason. (I have noticed that teens like to do things like squishing everyone in the group onto one couch. I never was the type of person who liked being that close to anyone, but, if you must do this, you could always sit on one of your *female* friend's lap instead.)

2. "Making eyes" at someone. This is a very flirtatious thing. I think that we all know what it looks like because we've noticed other girls doing it.

3. Holding hands with a boy... Not a good idea.

4. Most people are fine hugging people goodbye, but if you can't keep your emotions pure when hugging boys, than don't do it. I know that a lot of people are not raised in a "I hug people goodbye" kind of home, and I have noticed that some girls develop feelings for young men when they hug them goodbye every Sunday. If someone is coming to give you a hug and you don't wish to hug them, my Grandpa says that you should just extend your hand and wait for them to realize that you wish to shake hands instead.

5. Games like "Telephone Booth" or games where you crawl around in the dark are NEVER appropriate.

6. I never liked it when girls and boys would push each other around, it seems very flirtatious to me.

Ok, here are a few things that are fine...

1. If a girl is hurt(ie: she can't walk) and has to get to a car or whatever, it is entirely appropriate for one of the stronger people in the group (presumably a guy), to carry or help her in some way. Although when I hurt my ankle and couldn't walk on it, I didn't need to be carried, I just needed someone to hold my arm so that I would fall over.

2. In most cases hugging someone goodbye is just fine.

3. It is not a problem to joke around as long as the jokes don't become inappropriate.


Basically, if you feel fine doing it, it's usually fine (unless it's something wrong, of course), if you get a thrill from it or feel funny about it, don't do it! ;-)
Hope that was helpful! Have a nice day ladies!

Staying Toasty While Wearing Skirts

Here in New England it can get really chilly during the winter. I love wearing skirts, but for a long time I would only wear them on Sunday to church because I would get SO COLD with the wintery air breezing around my legs... especially since the tights I wore were really only colored nylons and didn't do much to keep the warmth in.
Over time we did come up with a few ideas on how to keep warm in the winter.

1. DON'T WEAR SUMMER WEIGHT SKIRTS!!! Make sure that the skirts you are planning on wearing are a nice thick material. (Corduroys are great, so are some cottons.)

2. Taper leg stretch pants go great under skirts, don't add much bulk, and look fine. I like wearing black ones because my shoes are black and most of my winter skirts are dark. You may prefer to wear them around the house but put on something prettier (like tights) when you go out.

3. Tights (Not Nylons) are a great way to stay warm. Vermont Country Store sells some really comfortable and very warm cotton tights.

4. If you are going to be wearing a mid-calf length skirt, but it's really cold out, stretch capris (made out of stretch pant material) over tights can go a long way to keeping you toasty.

5. Warm shoes are important too. Sneakers look fine with jean skirts, K-mart has some shoes that look great with skirts, but aren't very warm... Sometimes I like to wear my winter boots to where I'm going, and then put on my other shoes when I get there. That way I don't get snow in my shoes, but I can still wear my favorite flats.

6. Leggings also work really good under skirts.


If you do get capris or stretch pants to wear under your skirts, make sure that they have elastic waistbands, because if they have a button and zipper, or pockets, they can end up making you look a little more heavy.

Long (ankle length skirts) are usually warmer than pants because they keep all that nice warm air next to your body.

So just a short post today, but I hope that it was helpful. :-)

A few people left comments with some really helpful hints!

Kate Marie left me a comment with this helpful hint: "if you are long waisted, like I am, your shirts sometimes like to fly up in the back. This problem can be fixed by buying a couple long white tanks to wear underneath! That way if you bend over there is no problem."

Thanks Kate! :-)

Meghan said: "Some things that I do, almost every day, is to wear
a thick, warm, pair of socks OVER my tights. Also, leg-warmers can be cosy. They go on the heel-half of your foot, and go on up your calf to your knees."

Great idea!

Thanks for sharing the hints, girls!

How to 'Modest Up' your shirts

This is just going to be a short post with a few tips.

1. That favorite shirt that is too tight (and maybe a tad see through) might go great under your favorite hoodie (As long as the hoodie isn't skin tight). Just make sure to leave the hoodie on! The shirt is now underwear

2. Jumpers are great because they even cover up any stains ~as well as any immodest-ness about the shirt~, and can be worn in the winter or the summer

3. Those soft, fuzzy, body-glove-ish sweaters are much more modest with a t-shirt underneath

4. If you really want to wear that shirt that isn't really long enough to reach your hips, wear a skirt that sits at your waist instead of lower down

5. White blouses (and even just regular old white t-shirts) are usually slightly see-through, but can be made more modest with a full cami in the winter or a half cami in the summer. (Of course, if the blouse is one of those completely see through I-can-see-your-undergarments-really-well kind of thing, than you shouldn't be wearing it anyways.)

6. Don't be afraid to safety-pin those button down blouses to make sure that you're not showing anything between the buttons. (This is especially important if you tend to wear tighter, stiffer fabric blouses ~which is not a good idea~, but even loose blouses tend to fall open between the buttons.)

7. Sometimes just holding your shirt so that it doesn't fall slightly open when you bend down can make all the difference in the world

8. Have good posture. Don't hunch over, but don't stick your chest out. Remember, you don't have to hide that you're a girl, but don't flaunt the fact either

9. If a shirt is the wrong color to wear under a hoodie or a vest, and it's too tight or see through to wear alone, go ahead and throw it away or give it to your Mom for whatever she might like to do with it. (Of course, if you're emotionally attached to the shirt you can always just put it in a box on the top shelf of your closet.)

That's all for now. If any of you gals have any other suggestions on how to 'modest up' your shirts, feel free to tell us! :-)

Buying Modest Shirts

The pictures in here were gotten off of the web. They are not meant to say anything positive or negative about the stores that are selling them. They are being used as examples for a personal opinion blog post.

I went to the mall with my Aunt and cousin a few weeks ago to shop for clothes, and was amazed at how few modest shirts there were. They all seemed to be made of super stretchy nylon that was extra form-fitting.
Today I want to give a few tips on shirts. How to choose modest shirts at stores (without buying them ten sizes too big). (Please understand that I am not saying that you cannot wear certain styles, just that it may be more modest to avoid them.)
The most important is to just use your common sense. Some styles are made to be immodest.


As you can see, this style seems designed to highlight the bust. As does this one which, for the record, was NOT in the pregnancy section.












Shirts with a message across the bust are probably best avoided as well, as they tend to encourage people to stare at your bust as they try to make out the word(s).












See through or lacy tops (even with an undergarment, but especially without) should be avoided. If you wouldn't wear the undergarment by itself (which I hope you would not), you should not wear it under a see through shirt.












I personally usually buy 'relaxed fit' or 'classic fit' t-shirts, because I wear my shirts tucked into the waistband of my skirt and I like the way that relaxed fit T's blouse instead of clinging.













Since relaxed fit T's tend to look like a box (and can sometimes make you look slightly heavier than you are) when they are worn out over a skirt, 'Modern Fit' or 'Fitted' may be a better choice of style for wearing un-tucked.












Just make sure to avoid the "it's plastered on me" look, which is never pretty.












Blouses look nice un-tailored as well as slightly tailored, depending on whether you are planning on wearing them in or out.

























Hint: You can wear shirts more fitted if they have a busy print on them (i.e. floral designs)

Make sure to TRY ON THE SHIRT before you buy it. This is very important!!!
While you're in the dressing rooms, go ahead and give the shirt a 'modesty check'.
A few ideas are:
to reach your arms above your head and see how much belly you can see (this is especially important when wearing hip-hugging skirts or pants)
to bend down facing the mirror and see if you can view your undergarments
to bend down as if you are picking up a child and put your hand on your lower back to see if any skin is exposed
And I'm sure that you can come up with more ideas.

If you don't know if you can trust your own judgment, ask a modest woman that you trust (preferably your Mom) if a shirt is modest or not.

I hope that this post was helpful! :-)

My next post will be on how to 'modest up' the shirts you already have.

Fearlessly Feminine

Here is my week for Brooke's challenge at http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/IloveyouGod/468968/

Day one of the Fearlessly Feminine Challenge I wore a jean jumper over a long-sleeved shirt. I wore a silver heart necklace and silver earrings. I left my hair down.

Day Two I wore a flowered turtleneck shirt with a gray wool skirt. I wore gold earrings and a gold necklace, and my hair was up.
(This hairstyles was done by making a loose pony tail, and then creating a loose bun that I then tucked behind the pony tail thing. I held it in place with one or two bobby pins and two combs.)

Day three I missed taking a picture because we had gotten the news about Mr. Davis. But I'll just count this as day three...
I wore a black shirt with a blue watch plaid skirt from Chadwicks. My hair was half up half down, with the top half pulled back in a pony tail. I did not wear any jewelry.
Day Four I wore a striped turtleneck shirt with a jean skirt. I wore a silver necklace and coodinating earrings that I made. My hair was back in a tucked-through pony tail.

Day Five I wore a plaid skirt with a floral white shirt and a black sweater. I wore a gold heart necklace and gold earrings. My hair was up in a braided bun.
Day six (I did a seven day week) I wore a kaki skirt with a white shirt and a teal hoodie. I wore a matching teal necklace and silver earrings. My hair was down in a hair band.
Day seven (Sunday) I wore a floral Laura Ashley dress with a black sweater. I wore a gold and crystal necklace that I got for my graduation and gold crystal earrings. My hair was half up, half down, With the top half braided over my head.

I just tried to find a closer picture of my hair, but this was all I could find. You can kind of see how my hair is braided over my head in this picture.

Well there you are. A long post with lots of pictures of me for Brooke's Challenge. :-) If any of the girls want directions on how to do different hair styles, just ask! :-)